Chapter Nineteen: Only After Losing It Do We Learn to Cherish It

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Lu Jingyao entered the dormitory with a heavy heart, disturbing Liu Muhan, who was nearly asleep on the top bunk.

Groggily, Liu Muhan said, “Lu Jingyao, I put your letter under your blanket.”

“Oh, thank you!”

Lu Jingyao became a little more alert and slipped onto her bed, not wanting anyone to see her vulnerability.

But Liu Muhan sensed something amiss. She poked half her body out from under her blanket and, like a curious cat, stretched her head over the edge of the upper bunk.

“What’s wrong, Jingyao? Are you feeling unwell?”

“No,” Lu Jingyao quickly wiped away the tears on her face with her blanket, not wanting Liu Muhan to see.

Just as Liu Muhan was about to retract her head, Lu Jingyao suddenly thought of something.

“Muhan, can you lend me twenty yuan?”

“Twenty yuan?”

Liu Muhan was taken aback for a moment. She sat up, grabbed her jacket, and started rummaging through her wallet.

As she searched, she asked, “Jingyao, why do you need twenty yuan? Is there an emergency at home?”

“No... it’s for our literature club dinner... I want to pay Qian Shun back as soon as possible.”

Lu Jingyao hesitated but told Liu Muhan the truth, omitting the part about Qian Shun’s drunken madness.

Liu Muhan paused mid-search but eventually took out twenty yuan and handed it to Lu Jingyao.

“Thank you, Muhan. I’ll pay you back as soon as I can.”

“You don’t have to rush to pay me back, but there are a few things I have to say.”

Liu Muhan spoke seriously: “Jingyao, we’ve stepped into the world of adults. We can’t trust others as easily as when we were young. This world is complicated—some people seem kind but don’t have good intentions, while others seem harsh but mean no harm.”

Lu Jingyao looked puzzled and asked awkwardly, “Muhan, what do you mean by that?”

Liu Muhan shook her head helplessly. “Jingyao, think about He Xue and the others. Did they ever really help you? And your ex-boyfriend—what support did he give you?”

“Any false affection can’t withstand material measurement. To degrade those who once truly cared for you just because of a few so-called ‘concerned’ friends who only talk...”

“Do you know? He Xue and the others only want to see you fail!”

After saying this in one breath, Liu Muhan retreated into her warm blanket.

But Lu Jingyao’s mood remained unsettled for a long while.

“See me fail? Am I not a joke today...?”

Lu Jingyao felt uneasy. She had intended to quietly borrow money from He Xue and the others to pay the bill, to preserve her cherished pride.

But He Xue blurted it out in a panic, letting everyone know about Lu Jingyao’s embarrassing poverty.

Although He Xue later apologized, claiming it was unintentional, was it really?

Recalling what happened months ago when they first entered college, Lu Jingyao had already found her answer.

At first, everyone was chattering closely like sisters.

But soon, subtle divides appeared.

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Liu Muhan came from a well-off family, with all kinds of high-end daily necessities.

Lu Jingyao was sensitive and self-reliant, rarely touching others’ belongings, but He Xue and the others were careless, often grabbing things to use without asking.

At first, Liu Muhan didn’t mind, but when He Xue repeatedly took her soap, shampoo, and snow cream and gave them away to senior student council members at the bathhouse, Liu Muhan became displeased.

Though seeming delicate and gentle, the Jiangnan girl was quite principled. Sharing was one thing, but using her things to show off and curry favor—did they have no shame?

But He Xue didn’t care and argued loudly with Liu Muhan, calling her “stingy” and “petty bourgeois,” among other things, and swore she would compensate her double.

Months have passed, but Lu Jingyao never saw He Xue pay Liu Muhan back.

A bar of soap, even if expensive, costs only a couple of yuan. Could He Xue really not scrape it together?

Yet today, stingy Liu Muhan lent Lu Jingyao twenty yuan in an instant, while He Xue, aware of Lu Jingyao’s poverty, still dragged her into hosting the meal...

“Sigh.”

Lu Jingyao sighed and took out her letters from under the blanket.

[There are three?]

She glanced: one from her younger brother, one from Xia Yue, and one from Li Ye.

After some thought, she opened her brother’s letter first.

Reading through Lu Zixue’s letter in one breath, Lu Jingyao felt heavy with worry.

Though thousands of miles apart, she could sense her brother’s resentment and grievance, but she felt powerless against it.

This was an easy problem to solve—buy Lu Zixue a bicycle, and his troubles would instantly dissolve.

But who could give her a bicycle? A Phoenix brand, no less?

No one but Li Ye.

Last time, Lu Jingyao wrote to Li Ye, asking him to return the Phoenix bike to Lu Zixue first, and she would repay him slowly.

At the time, this seemed like a good plan, but after today, Lu Jingyao hesitated.

Only thirty yuan, and Qian Shun wanted to drag her out for a “walk in the dark.”

But Li Ye’s Phoenix bike? How much does it cost?

A little over one hundred and sixty yuan with a receipt; without one, two hundred yuan still wouldn’t buy it.

Two hundred yuan was astronomical for the Lu family.

Why should she give it?

Did she have Li Ye in her arms? Playing hide-and-seek under the covers with him?

Li Ye owed her nothing.

“Sigh.”

Lu Jingyao sighed again and opened Xia Yue’s letter.

She still felt close to this former best friend. They were alike—both from modest backgrounds, confident and self-reliant, full of dreams for freedom.

In the past, they encouraged and supported each other through the toughest times.

But after reading Xia Yue’s letter, Lu Jingyao was stunned for a long moment.

[That connection kid Li Ye slipped into the advanced class through backdoor means.]

[Li Ye ratted me out and I lost the class monitor position.]

[That damn landlord Li Ye is secretly cramming English; he’ll probably chase you to the capital and cause trouble...]

Throughout the four pages, Lu Jingyao felt no trace of “self-confidence” or “strength,” only resentment and grievance, just like her brother.

But what worried Lu Jingyao was not Xia Yue’s bitterness, but Li Ye’s rapid improvement in English.

“His English has surpassed Xia Yue. Could he really get into the Foreign Languages College next year?”

“If Li Ye gets into the Foreign Languages College, what about my father’s promise... should I accept it? Should I fulfill it?”

Back then, Lu Jingyao’s father publicly promised Li Ye that if he got into university, he wouldn’t interfere with their relationship.

Lu Jingyao was furious then, thinking her father had been forced to compromise.

But now, it seemed her father was a shrewd master of the game.

If Li Ye gets into the Foreign Languages College next year, would their relationship naturally resume?

Thinking this made Lu Jingyao suddenly feel ashamed, even a bit... shameless.

Yet faintly, she also felt a flicker of hope.

If Li Ye were by her side, someone like Qian Shun wouldn’t dare treat her like that again.

Though Li Ye was a bit of a goof, his fists were anything but soft.

And just his handsomeness alone could make countless admirers shrink away in shame.

Li Ye didn’t understand literature or poetry, but he was a university student!

The glow of a university student could overshadow many flaws and make him an equal match for her.

...

“Eh?”

Filled with hope, Lu Jingyao opened Li Ye’s letter, only to find it was the original letter she had sent him a few days earlier.

Only after carefully flipping through did she find Li Ye’s reply written on the back.

Then, Lu Jingyao was completely stunned.

Li Ye’s words were fierce, his questions resolute, leaving her unprepared and confused.

His final sentence was like a bucket of cold water, dousing her with a chilling clarity.

[Since you chose to pursue your freedom, why interfere with my life? Why expect me to be generous enough to give my bike to your brother?]

[Don’t contact me again. A swan soaring in the sky, please don’t bother a frog at the bottom of a well. Even if one day it becomes a prince, it will no longer concern you.]

After a long while, Lu Jingyao murmured, “He actually... hates me so much...”

A strong sense of loss grew deep inside her heart, quickly spreading throughout her entire body.

Only after losing something do you learn to cherish it. Many things, once missed, never return.